The Tug of War of Letting Go

Picture this, one long thick strong rope. At one end, a group of humans that are focused, strong, and determined.

At the other end, other bunch of humans, that are focused with a strong heart not wanting to hurt but are able to engage in the push and pull. Each team wants to win, yet they come from different perspectives and from different intent.

You get the picture right! Now let's relate that into a relationship either at work or maybe a personal one.

Someone is behaving a way that is unacceptable. They are irrational and accusing you of something that you have not done, or the perspective they have about you is not correct.

What do you do?

Naturally you DEFEND, stand up for yourself, try to get them to understand your point of view, get them to learn the truth.

Our tendency to defend and to respond quickly can have us engaged in what is not an ideal behavioural response. For some of us our initial personal programming (years 0-7) may well be to stand up for yourself and speak out.

Don’t take crap from others, let them know they are wrong. Such programming is hard to change and is least effective.

“We need to listen with curiosity, listen to understand, rather than listen to reply.”

The Code Word here; REPLY means to defend!

When we reply (defend), our emotions become charged and we feel that we are being treated unfairly, judged and in some cases directed.

So, how do we change this, simple…Let Go and don’t buy-in. That’s right don’t defend yourself, nor attempt to change the thinking of the person at the other end of your rope.

Just Let Go!

As you read this you will be wondering, how do I let go, it's not that easy, no it's not.

However, when we buy-in, then we agree to the scenario of the rhetoric that is being presented to us.

How do you Let Go when you feel that the situation and words are not right or true.

Here are a few tips. Emotionally disconnect, it's not your issue, its theirs. Offer replies such as “thanks for the feedback” “interesting but that is not the case "end of conversation.

It is not an easy thing to do to, Let Go and not buy in, yet when you master it, the personal power is most gratifying. We cannot control what others think of us, it’s not our business.

When we reply (defend) try to explain, get agitated, feel our values have been violated and we want to set the record straight we begin to own the other person's approach, opinion even behaviour.

Why would we do this when we know it is not the truth for us or of us. Why does it matter that what they think.

Well you might think that its important that your relative thinks well of you (seeking their approval), you might think the same with your work colleague, how dare they think this of me.

What does it matter to you?

So next time when you have the tug of war about letting go of what is not your truth, think about replying or NOT.

For what purpose would you reply, what is your intent, how will it make things different.

I will say the one thing that will be different if you let it go is you.

You will not be engaged in this and you will be in control of the mad monkeys in your head.

So just let go for peace sake!

Do you need support to Let Go?

Then check out these options

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Be the Lotus Flower

By Annette Gillanders • 16 Apr, 2024

“a lotus blossoms within deep rich muddy water into which she plunges her roots and draws great nourishment from this mud, growth happens, and great beauty is revealed. Your soul lotus thrives through the depth of emotion and awareness of your body into which she can plant herself and unfold as a lotus of light”. We are always learning if we are open to the flow of life experiences. The steps are presented to us, always reminding that we are here in the moment, the now. I believe that out flexibility in thinking and in behavior can become part of what makes us a powerful instrument to transform, take action and to grow in knowledge. First we must accept our role our responsibility in that the mud, if not we cannot open out and bloom. In my work with you I support you to untangle the various roots of life that restrict your growth. As you become and untangles you will enjoy life more as you grow and trust (yourself) increasing your wisdom self-love and acceptance. So no matter how much mud and water you are emersed in, like the lotus you can rise up and be open to the essence of life. I get it, your dealing with different levels of mud and water, foreign objects that are new to you and you may feel apprehensive, fearful of the unknown and a range of other emotions that may lead to unhelpful behaviour. My thirty plus years I have gained a deep understanding of human behaviour and emotions, I too have had experiences that put me in the mud, yet with support I found the sun that allowed me to rise and bloom in my full colour. So if your wanting to have your lotus flower bloom consider a discovery call with me and together lets test the depths of the mud around you, you will be safe and supported.

The Perfect P (person)

By Annette Gillanders • 16 Apr, 2024

What is it to have done every aspect perfectly, to be perfect?1 Certainly in engineering perfection of the mechanics is essential but it doesn't always go fully to plan. One small item may break fall off and cause a catastrophic event. The human aspect to achieve perfection is not as straightforward. Many of those I work with strive for the perfect P Often the desire for perfection has derived from the early narrative they have heard repetitively. Don't hold your knife like that, do it like this. Sit up straight, no you can't help you will only make a mess. Surely you can get better grades than that put some effort into it. Oh look you haven't done that properly do it again look you missed this bit. Even worse one of my clients shared how their parent insisted on them entering craft competitions and when my client was asleep aged 8 years the parent would recreate the craft item so it was perfect while they slept. To wake to the item now recreated entered into the competition which would now win. The message being received can be interpreted as not good enough can't get it right feeling left out not up to standard and much much more. Our logical mind says no one is perfect yet our emotions say I am not doing it well enough I can't do anything right or I am not enough etc. Striving for the perfect P can result in inertia no action why have a go or try if I am not going to succeed. The ups and downs or the 5 stages of Learning make it too uncertain for some to embrace the journey hence they may miss out on going for the job made for them. Having a go at something new.

What will your business look like in 2023

By Emeline Laurent • 15 Nov, 2022

We hope that you have had a successful year in business.